This has nothing to do with my regular blog topic, but I felt it was of the utmost importance to make a list of
SONGS THAT DESERVE A 10 YEAR MORATORIUM.
Yes, these songs should all be packed up, removed from airplay, not licensed for commercials or ringtones and put on ice for 10 years to preserve them.
Dream On- Aerosmith
This song is really really sad and really fucked up, like Steven Tyler had his own Tardis and saw what his life over the 80s was going to turn into. But dammit, I don’t need to hear it at 12:30 on lunch break on the local classic rock station while I’m in a cubicle.
Me and Booby McGee
“Booooo hisssss” I bet you’re saying. Well suck it up, Bobby McGee got a job a wife and kids and now he just wants to settle down. We should let him.
You Shook me All Night Long (Back in Black closing in…)
AC/DC fans should hate this song by now. It’s a “phone it in” song for cover bands who want to let their bassist sing lead once a night. There’s nothing sexy about the “poppiest” song from AC/DC. And Back in Black is becoming the “Born to be Wild” for a new generation… music your dad thought was tough.
It PAINS me as a Guns and Roses fan, but my God, this is a long song. You could make toast before Axl even begins the first verse. I can’t wait for this to be in an Activia commercial when Axl is low on cash.
Imagine a wedding reception. Now imagine that one sassy Aunt Cougar who is out doing really creepy dancing with the ring bearer to the Commodores. Moratorium.
What I Got (aka “let’s scream ‘POT'” song)
We get it. You smoke pot, and you love to scream the line about mom smoking pot. But it’s now about as edgy and personal as Lucy in the Sky is to the old hippies. Trust me, put this song on ice from all the radio formats that play it, and in 10 years you’ll see what a beautiful bittersweet tribute to being alive this song really is.
Pour Some Sugar on Me
When Aunt Cougar pulls out of the wedding reception in her Monte Carlo buzzed on white zinfindel, I assure you, this is the first song on her mix tape. This song used to kick ass. Now it’s about as dangerous as a one armed guy with a bow and arrow. Or drum kit.
Money by Pink Floyd (since I can’t pick the entirity of Dark Side of the Moon)
Clap to this: one two three four one two three four one two three four.
Now this: one two three four fix six sev ONE two three four five six sev ONE two three four five six sev.
That’s Money. It’s in 7/4 time signature which is why it never feels quite right on a road trip, or when some old has been puts it on the juke box at Bill’s Olde Tavern on a Friday night. And the lyrics? Kind of a downer. Not a party song. Musically very interesting, but seriously, you don’t watch Twin Peaks every night, your brain will burn out. That’s why shows like Two and a Half Men do so well. And to leave no good deed unpunished, let’s put the whole of Dark Side of the Moon into orbit for 10 years. Then we’ll go back and listen as it was intended, a full album.
Better Man by Pearl Jam
I was at a frat party and heard a group of girls having a singalong to this song about a wifebeater. Yeah.
Now I do like these songs (well except Money) but they really are some of the most overplayed and worn out records that come to my mind. But more importantly, there is one song, nay, one artist, who’s entire catalog can get locked into a public storage unit full of cannibalistic radioactive zombies and never see daylight again. When your band’s nickname is “The Delaware Destroyers”, you are about as badass as Stephen Hawking in a drive by shooting.
So please, George Thorogood, hang it up.